I'm tired of being a "good guy". Good guys finish last. There is some truth to that saying. Bad guys may not always finish first, but they don't care about who they hurt to get to the top. I'd like to be at the top, and I'd like you help. Hi, I'm Levi U. Singe, but you may call me Dr. Burn for short. I'd like you to be my minion. If selected, you will be one of many minions. You will not stand out from the rest of the minions. You may keep your name, but I will likely just point to you and say something like, "You! Minion! Do this thing," or "You, there! Minion! Make this happen," and then you will perform whatever action needs to occur to satisfy my every whim. Satisfying my whim is a very important part of this job. Speaking of job, you will be well paid (but not until I have reached the top). You will receive a 401K with matching contributions from my organization (which is temporarily being called "Evil Inc."), but you will probably never get to retire, as you will likely die in my service. Don't worry; your family will be taken care of after you die. . .and by that I mean: I will have them killed so that they can join you in whatever after-life you believe in. As you can see, your religious beliefs are no concern of mine. I won't ask you to change religion, or believe in some kind of whacked-out religious nonsense. This is not a cult. I only ask for your complete servitude.
I currently have no enemies, but I suspect they will pop up as I gain power. In truth, I am not a super-villain. . .yet. I hope to achieve this through an advanced scientific research department (also part of my organization). In fact, if you are a scientist or know of a scientist, who is willing to help my cause (or who is easily kidnapped, corrupted, tricked, bribed, or threatened into helping my cause), please apply with "Science Dept." in the subject line. Minions will be expected to throw themselves into harms way as superheroes try to thwart my ascension to greatness. I mean that quite literally. I want my minions to overpower my enemies with numbers--like billions of ants taking down an elephant.
So, what's in it for you if I make it to the top and you survive? As I said, medical, dental, vision, and a generous 401K. All current money will be converted to my brand. My greatest generals and scientists will likely appear on some of the bills, while my best minions will appear on coins--so, you have a real opportunity here. Because I expect a large number of minions, I suspect your work day will be between four and six hours long, five days a week. We are a 24-7 operation, so you may have shift work or weekend work on occasion. Also, I give 30-days of PTO, plus the below twelve holidays off:
- Dr. Burn day (Date: TBD, a relaxing holiday where you grill out with friends, and worship me)
- Overlord day (Date: TBD, a family event where you give gifts, eat good food, and worship me)
- Minion Appreciation day (July 12th: appreciation of all minions)
- In Memory of Minions Lost (IMML day) (Date: TBD, but probably will be when the first minion dies)
- Float holiday (to be used at each minion's discretion)
- Seven other holidays will be added as soon as I think of them
What else will you get for becoming a minion? Well, I'm open to suggestion. I want to make YOUR dreams come true, future minion #57642-b38 (that may be your minion designation, I haven't decided on a system yet. . .again, you can keep your name, but I suspect there will be a lot of "Steve's" and "Mary's" joining on and each of you need a unique designation). Yes, I want to know what you want to accomplish. You want to be an artist? Make some art and I'll force people to like it! You want to be an athlete? I'll break everyone's ankles to make sure you come in first place in the race of your dreams. You want to sit back, do nothing, watch some TV, play some video games, maybe smoke some weed. . .well, my scientists need volunteers to test all kinds of drugs, mutagens, and other medical devices to help further the human race and you'd be a perfect candidate just sittin' there, doin' nothin'. Sounds like a deal, right?
Minions will have an opportunity to travel the world, space, and hopefully time travel (or melt while trying). Also, I'm thinking of moving most of the word's population to Florida because f^*# Florida. I think it will be easy to build a wall hundred of feet high and thick from the Atlantic Ocean to the Gulf of Mexico to keep the population at bay. I envision loading large planes with loose food, like potatoes, and flying over the state only to open the cargo doors and dump the food out. That's how I'll feed people who are not my minions. Can you imagine being stuck in Florida, starving, with a couple billion people around you, and all of a sudden one my food planes flies overhead and drops a pig from two thousand feet up? That's what I call a barbecue. Good times. . .good times. Of course, not everyone will have to move to Florida. All my minions are exempt from moving to Florida. I will need plenty of staff to keep my hundreds of fortresses, castles, lairs, and my vacation home in tip-top shape. My minions will have free rein to live wherever you want. You say you want to live in North Dakota? With all the people trapped in Florida, you may very well be the only person in the entire state of North Dakota! Have at it, minion.
In conclusion, if you are interested in applying for a minion spot, please apply with "I wanna be a minion" in the subject line. I’d like to see a short resume consisting of your previous work history, and a cover letter letting me know why you want to be my minion would be appreciated.